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[13 Aug 2004|10:45pm]
so...im making a new journal. im really sick of this one. i need a change lol i just made a new lay out but i want a new name =[ sorry folks. this is who im gonna add. and you guys better add me back!
1. 1pissedoffchick
2. breathxinxdeep
3. carnal_oblivion
4. cykotickbeast
5. garyjunyer
6. iantherage
7. ibiteyourthumb or luckypocket I HOPE SHE UNDELETES HER JOURNALS! UCK!
8. jey_s0n
9. joxerman220
10. korbs
11. livin_rockin
12. markyboie
13. mon___visage
14. onelastsalute
15. ryan_mccall
16. squee
17. stuckinarubber
18. timehasrunaway
19. ttpman
20. urkisskilledme
21. xxooxx

i dont really read or comment on anybody elses journal but these. this is what i get for being in a loser 'add me!' community. so now i have to go around 20 something times saying "hey i have a new journal add me!" if you want me to add you and youre not on this list then i will..whenever i get my new name. but i figure, you dont. thats why you were not listed.
21 said kiss your north star goodbye

best cheer up quotes of past few days [13 Aug 2004|10:53am]
"sometimes girls get jealous because they think they own everything. when in fact, they don't. youre unique. shes not. end of story. that hoe aint got nothin on you, doll."-michelle
...what a dork.
"i dont know whether to feel bad or laugh at obese ladies."-steve english

"what would you do if i tried to make a move on you?"-pascal
"...i'd kick your ass then i'd run away and lock myself somewhere..in a room that has a lock"-me
"thanks. now i know how to make you go away."-pascal

"my favorite episode was the 'true life: im going to fat camp'..yup. that one was soo good."-kyle its nice to see she likes watching fat people go to camp.

"my friend wants me to go visit him"-me
"where does he live?"-steven english
"a couple hours away."-me
"ohh...well on your way, you could come pick me up. im only a couple hours away too!"-s.e....ENGLAND IS LIKE A BAJILLION HOURS AWAY. LOSER.
1 said kiss your north star goodbye

:[ [12 Aug 2004|10:53pm]
[ mood | nerdy ]

this is what you get for watching mtv. especially the true life stuff. so tonight it was 'im adopted' and i dunno..i just got really upset. i started crying. there was one girl on the show that i totally disagreed with. she was all "oh i cut myself and they took me away from my mother and blah blah blah"...bull shit. nobody forced her mother to give her up for adoption. she did that because she had to. nobody says "hey i think ill give my kid up for adoption! yeah!!" so i was adopted when i was a baby and i found out on my own when i was 5 that i was not a blood relative to anybody i considered my family. my eyes were smaller. my hair was darker. my eyes were darker. but it never bothered me until i got older. when i started to get teased in school. i found out that my aunt sue was adopted but i didnt find out until i was maybe 13. i really want to able to just talk to somebody about it but i cant say 'hey mom get out of the room because i want to talk to my aunt about how i want to know who my biological parents are.' i used to ask her "wheres my real mommy?" or "wheres my real daddy? do i have any brothers and sisters?" and it would make her really sad and it would make her cry. she thought that just because i wanted to know who my parents were, i wanted to leave her. im about..80% positive that my bio. mom doesnt speak proper english....and im 50% positive that my bio. dad died or lives in a suburb with his little wife and his 2 kids and their dog spike. he was in the army when he met my mom, and she was working in a tea house. all i know about my parents is that my mom was short and thick and my father was tall and "beautiful" thats what my mom said about my father. thats all she would say. i dont even think she knew his last name. they slept together, she somehow let him know she was pregnant, and he said "well i dont want a kid so im gonna take off now" or thats basically how it went. my mom went to a church after i was born and they had an adoption agency and the only thing she wanted was that i was raised in a catholic or christian home. which i was. so i dont have any names. not even the name of the adoption agency. i dont know what hospital i was born in. she named me...for some reason. i dont know why you'd name a child youre going to immediately give away. im not gonna put the name she gave me but in english they said it means "special child" =/ uh huh. ive been sitting here for a little while. the steve's cheer me up. even the one i dont like missing. i know he doesnt care anymore, because when he did care he would read my journal and he told me he read it because he thought that i was "better off" without him in my life. blah. k tomorrow is my showcase. I ASKED JOSH TO GO BUT NO. lol and english steve is too far to go. kyle is going. i have to wait in the train station for her. jebus. oh and lets not forget the parentals.

kiss your north star goodbye

[11 Aug 2004|08:06am]
[ mood | dorky ]

i forgot to mention this yesterday.
you know youre in chicago when you see a big muscly scary manly hat in pony tail lady in a small green car, arguing with a hindu taxi driver...and giving him the bird and yelling out her car window. priceless.

2 said kiss your north star goodbye

[10 Aug 2004|11:40pm]
[ mood | happy ]

dont be stupid vicki. if steve decides to scooch you to the side again youll be a big baby and cry like you used to.

blah. im a fucking softy. but if he breaks me im gonna poke him in the collarbone and run. i just want to fix things. im surprised to see how much patience he has for me. im such a loser. no matter how hard i try, i know something will always tell me that i cant just forget about him. but i miss the him that used to be sad because his friends were crap heads. and the one who i could tell anything to. im going to bed. i only stayed up because non smelly english steve called me a..i forget. but he just called me that to keep me from leaving. loser. good night lj. right now im happy, lets keep it that way steves.

kiss your north star goodbye

[10 Aug 2004|08:21pm]
[ mood | sad ]

dear vicki,
stay away from your ex boyfriend. and stop missing him too. cause he's no good anymore. k thanks bye.

events events sort of [09 Aug 2004|11:10pm]
[ mood | cold ]

so today was the wake of my great uncle fritz...his real name isnt fritz thats just what we all called him. wasnt really close to him but i felt obligated to go and knew i would take the chance of seeing my cousins and relatives on the side of the family i never see enough of. and i also thought it'd be really disrespectful if i didnt go. so i went. steven and brian got REALLY tall..jeeze. steven needs a new hair style..hes had it the same way since we were 11. haha. amy was there. my girl cousin. i miss her! shes one of the sweetest girls you could ever meet. shes funny too 8) so we talked for a little bit. amy, steven and me are all graduating in june. and brian is going into high school? or 8th grade? i dont know..hes just too tall for his age. i think hes taller than me...shiot. it was good to see my other relatives. and my uncle chris insists that i go to a museum with him...um..oki? phylis is the coolest old person ever. and shes still pretty. and non wrinkly. she rocks. oh and it was really funny how my aunt forgot my name. "uhh jan..uhh jackie um...." NO. WRONG. *CLICKS LOUD BUZZER*...lol but i guess she cant help it. shes getting old too. and i need to drink more water and eat less sugar. no diet. just dont want to live the rest of my life taking shots. thank you very much good night. lol

kiss your north star goodbye

[08 Aug 2004|11:00pm]
[ mood | weird ]

you get comments when all of the bums on lj are awake at night..i go to bed too early. friday is my show case and i want people to go. fuckers. so far kyle is the only one who is going. she wants me to spend the night at her house after that. and then we'll probably walk around in the middle of the night. like last time. so much walking...we should go to walgreens in the middle of the night to get junk food. she was like "if you spend the niiiiight we could order chinese food!!!..or pizza...i WOULD PREFER pizza but hey..youre the guest and im guessing youd want chinese food.." HELL YES I WOULD. =) im still trying to figure out what im gonna do for my 6 seperate prints. i know im gonna use a picture of a train, blue line gate, segway loser, MAYBE a picture of kyle preferrably one that i didnt use yet, i want to use a picture of john from the roll i have from the school year, and i might have 1 i didnt do yet. i have ALL of the pictures for the theme for my yard BUT 2 of them got fucked up in the developing process so tomorrow im gonna fix them and tuesday im going to the lab for the last time =( *tear* lol and im gonna do the 6 seperate prints. i just told ste "you better stay weird...or else ill beat you with an ugly poking stick"...i really dont want him to become a stupid ordinary guy when he goes to college..i dont want him to be a jerk...and some college guys can be come jerks but then theres nice ones...and then theres the pathetic ones who feel sorry for themselves. i need to go to bed. im such a weirdo...

3 said kiss your north star goodbye

[07 Aug 2004|11:15pm]
[ mood | bored ]

i love talking to him. what a good friend. I MADE A NEW LAY OUT. I RULE. now i need to work on a new photo.

3 said kiss your north star goodbye

i have no life but i had a good day yo [05 Aug 2004|06:44pm]
[ mood | cheerful ]

today was just a good day. for once i wasnt feeling like shit as i was walking down the streets of chicago. it was a really breezy day and the sky was blue and the clouds were all over the place. which rocked my socks. there were no bad thoughts in my mind while i was walking to my train. i was happy for some reason. because now im in love with chicago. and i wont leave him for the world. =) days like today make it all worth while. too many cute boys today...too many cute boys. uck. i went downstairs to get an apple juice and when i came back up my wallet flipped upside down and quarters and nickles and dimes went flying all over and me and stranger girl started laughing. they hit the cute boy next to me and i was very embarassed but he stopped working on his photos to pick up my change for a second we touched hands. eep. cute kid. ive seen him before. earlier there was another cute boy except he wasnt a boy. he was obviously a college student. jorge was in the lab today and low and behold who was with him? jebus. his older brother. the one that failed i dont know how many grades. and still attempted to graduate even though he didnt come to school. i remember how i hated him for all the things he did and said. but now i look back and it was just stupid. he still has his big mohawk and its still orange-ish/reddish with the roots showing. and he still wears funny clothes. now there is a very noticable piercing on his face that i dont remember seeing when i was a sophomore. he was nice to me today. and splashed me with water. doof. when i first came out of the dark room he ran right up to me and stood behind me and scared the shit out of me...moves too fast. and he still has the girl voice that tanya used to tell me about since i had barely ever heard him speak. i got lots of work done today and im proud. tomorrow i might go back and finish the prints that got messed up because of bad chemicals. and i might work on other prints that i didnt get to do today. im spent and im fat. so im gonna go nap.

kiss your north star goodbye

[04 Aug 2004|11:06pm]
[ mood | sleepy ]

andy talked to me today...it was awkward. i just want to fix things if i can. no matter how much i want to hate him for hating me, i cant. hes my dear friend no matter what. even though he only spoke to me for like...5 minutes at least we talked. and i want to talk to him tomorrow. even if he is still angry at me. jesse youre stupid. dont do it again. whether he read it or not. no business in other peoples peeps' business. i just want to be happy and stuff. tomorrow im gonna be in the dark room working for the day. i want to get home as soon as i can. im gonna leave at 9, develope film carefully, print 7 photos and then i will have finished all of my final. i think. let me go check. bye.

kiss your north star goodbye

[04 Aug 2004|02:54pm]
[ mood | cheerful ]

i promised that i wouldnt hold my breath but i did it any way. im just gonna leave you alone from now on. so yesterday i hung out with jesse. then i got mad at him for an hour because he told me that he sent a msg to andy on myspace. =/ i dont need him or anybody else to feel sorry for me. i dont need my best friend being a big weirdo and finding the person that doesnt want to have any part of me. lets face it, he's gonna be an ass hole and ignore me till we both die a million miles away from each other. oh and im not gonna IM steve anymore. ive been pushed off to the side for the last time by him and everybody else. so i figure if he actually wants to speak to me then he'll say hi to me like next year or whatever. im tired of trying to fix my wrongs. i just get more upset in the end of the situations i put myself in. tomorrow im going to the dark room. today i dont know how many prints i made....i think i made 5...not all of them are going to be used. and today i shot 2 rolls in my back yard, i used my tripod and did some self portraits =/ we will see how that turns out. i was surprised i got 2 rolls of film done within an hour. jessica talked to me today. first time ever. austin wants to see the lattuce in my back yard....yeah so i made a special lattuce section on my film just for austin lol i dont think i want to make contact prints of these 2 rolls of film..im just gonna print what i want. and hopefully the rolling wont go shitty on me again. stupid metal thingy. yeah today was good. i got work done and had fun. straight edge girl put in pretty girls like graves and now i love them. judge judy gets on my nerves..remind me not to watch it again. me and julia laughed at a guy on the train who had a gold watch on with big ass diamonds in it..he was 'pimpin it yo'. its like..he has to wear big jewelry like an old lady to make himself feel more cool

kiss your north star goodbye

[03 Aug 2004|01:40am]
yoshi youre dumb. im glad i dont pick up my phone after 10...
"hi..so...yeah yeah...i cant sleep. what are you doing? hey lets go out and find jesse. nevermind. hey lets go out and find pascal. wait. hes probably with jesse picking up hoes. ha. i need to stop drinking. okay well tomorrow remember, we have disney movies and junk food. me. you. jesse. yeahhhh..call me in the morning. BUT NOT TOO EARLY SLUT!..ha. i love ya...yeah. bye bye."

what a biotch...=( i miss her. im glad i get to see them tomorrow. i need my jerks. she woke me up with her phone call but by the time i picked up she had already left a message. now im gonna go back to sleep. im still a little sad. but..i have good friends. this includes the people on here. night night. xoxo
kiss your north star goodbye

[02 Aug 2004|06:34pm]
[ mood | bored ]

to everybody that commented last night/today-thank you. ♥ ♥ ♥ even though it was a small amount that said something, it made me feel better.

and unfortunately im starting to go through that 'i hate andy' stage.

i dont want to but if thats what i have to do so that im not being pathetic then so be it..

i cant find my depression 60s sunglasses....and i miss john and chris. ='( i need to call them..

3 said kiss your north star goodbye

[01 Aug 2004|08:38pm]
[ mood | sad ]

so it turns out that andy is oki. i of course had to find this out on my own. at least now i cant say that hes the only person whos never hurt me on purpose. im getting tired of trying. and im tired of not being acknowledged by him. i hurt too, remember?

14 said kiss your north star goodbye

to you even if you dont read it. [01 Aug 2004|12:08am]
[ mood | worried ]

dont play me for a fool. dont make me any promises that you cant keep. just be a friend. thats all im asking from you. i dont want to be selfish. all ive ever wanted from you is your support and your guidence. i never wanted anything for you except happiness. whether that included me at the time or not. i miss you. and you hurt me yeah. but i hurt you too. it's a stupid game that i never meant to play. and dont intend to keep playing. youre the only person who knows how to make fun of me the right way. and pretty much the only person i cant hit for making fun of the way i talk. which is most likely why i accept it so easily. i dont want to get my hopes up again...so dont tell me youre gonna be there when you know deep inside that you cant.

[31 Jul 2004|04:04pm]
so today i got my hair CUT. i told the lady 'i just want the rest of my hair trimmed and i want bangs.'..so she said 'oki' and then im looking away, looking down, everywhere except the mirror. and all of the sudden when i DO look MY HAIR IS SHORT!!...well its shortER. i wanted a TRIM...so my hair could grow LONGER..not shorter. lol but it looks cute. everybody whos seen it so far has liked it. if i put lots of hair product in it, i could look all hardcore and shit..but no. my bangs make me look less mean and more innocent...i dig. i dig. i dig. lol i like it. but theyre kinda short...i just need to get used to this hair shit. im off to go experiment.

oki first shout out ever and stuff.. [31 Jul 2004|03:52pm]
[ mood | dorky ]

oki so
jey_s0n made a shout out thing for me because at 3-4 am this morning i went on his page and said "hey i didnt get a shout out!"...of course..i was just being silly and wanted to mess with him =P but im gonna make one for him since he did such a nice job making me feel special for today. yay. oki well im guessing your name is josue from your page and stuff. im glad that i added you for the fact that we both live in chicago. i dont really talk to anybody from chicago on this site. so its cool to know that there is somebody a few miles away who does the same thing i do. even though you dont seem to listen to the same type of music as i do, im going to drag you to the metro and we're gonna listen to punk/rock music and stuff. the only rap group you can get me to go see is outkast. and thats all...for now. I DONT LIKE BASEBALL. I DONT WATCH BASEBALL. I DONT LIKE THE CUBS OR THE SOX! lol im such a girl. some day we have to start hanging out and stuff. we have to talk about it. stalking...chubby asian/white girls dont like to be stalked..or as far as i know, they dont. unless theyre crazy. i think youre an awesome person and i can relate to you on some of the things that go down in your life and how you feel about certain issues like your parents and your relationship and stuff. long distance is hard. at least i think its long distance? even though it sounds incredibly corny, im always here to talk! and since we live in the same city, if you give me directions i can go see if youre oki in person! lol

5 said kiss your north star goodbye

[31 Jul 2004|03:31am]
[ mood | bored ]

..kyle snores so much and so loud...im glad i agreed not to sleep today. she said "i can stay awake the whole night" THEN WHY DID YOU ASK ME IF YOU COULD SLEEP FOR 20 MINUTES AND FOR ME TO WAKE YOU UP THEN? loser. at 7 we're gonna go to dunkin donuts for coolattas and donuts and then we're gonna walk for a little bit and then im gonna cut my hair. we couldnt go today because kyle didnt get her lazy ass to my house until 7. and im really really hoping that my mom is for sure going to work tomorrow...she said she was. and hopefully by the time she gets home ill have cleaned my room and be asleep so that no bitching will be handed out. i was really sad earlier i put too much thought into things. its dumb. her snores are making me tired. blah. im gonna wake her up at 3 50. fucking dork. then im gonna beat her down. lol i know im going to be super tired today. and i dont really care.

"he's gonna hurt you till you hurt him or till he gets bored with it."
"you cant talk to him anymore. not for a while at least. whether he decides to try and talk to you or not. never go back."
"4 months isnt enough time. break off all the ties and dont answer the phone. and dont call him."
but most of all..
"let him go."

a girls gotta do what a girls gotta do. and the funny thing is that i dont miss him. i just miss andy right now. i want him to be safe. which lets me know that i do care about him even if that means we're not speaking.

v. t. g. [30 Jul 2004|05:05pm]
[ mood | weird ]

i hate it when i turn into a big weirdo because i just get hurt in the end. i try to stay away but i cant which means im holding on to something and i dont want to because he doesnt care. he's made it clear in the past that he doesnt care. and im accepting that. but at the same time i get filled with this anger while im trying to accept that things are never gonna be the same and he will never wonder if im doing okay. while im on the other side trying to figure out why im not letting go and why i keep letting myself get screwed over. i really need kyle to come over. she needs to help me get my mind off of these things. and i also need to talk to her but i dont want her to see me cry because then she'll get upset. i know that if i talk about how i feel i'll cry about it. i always do. i dont know where andy is but i hope that his surgery went well and that he's okay. i just want him to be okay. whether that involves me or not. i miss too many people. its killing me inside. and its really making me crazy. im tired of missing him. knowing that he's never gonna come back. he's never going to call when he's sober and he'll never remember that he hurt me the day before. i look back on the stuff that ive done in the past that im proud of and things that im not so proud of. and ive wasted so much time and ive wasted other peoples time. but that doesnt change the fact that i still miss him. just him. not us. i dont think he'll ever be the same person i talked to 2 years ago. maybe im just naive. whatever. i guess i have to go about things with a cold heart towards him. just like he has to me.

2 said kiss your north star goodbye

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